Roller Coaster Ride…

After regular encouragement from Graham the creator of websites and virtual realities about the art of blogging I have recently upped my output, as you may, or may not, have noticed. Does anyone read these words or is anyone interested? Although I do not think there is a need for other people to be interested, it is more important that you do it for yourself with a positive heart. Saying that it’s also lovely when someone appreciates anything you do on any level. Most of all happiness and fulfilment comes when people just like my music as this is the true vehicle for my energy. So as well the blogs I have been doing, I will from time to time, as regular as possible, post a blog called Tales from the Engine Room. As of yet I do not know how it will evolve but that is refreshing in itself.

I don’t think that anyone that I let know me underestimates the roller coaster ride that sees me fluctuate from extreme highs to the darkest of lows. They classify you as bipolar. And, if I had that imaginary red button I have heard talked about, that when once pushed, will remove that part of your personality, like so many others I just would not push it. I like who I am, in fact I love who I am. What would I do without that constant drive and that energy that defines who I have been all my life. I will admit that as I get older and loose more of that youthful energy it is becoming harder and more tiring at times being me, but there again we all go through changes. Life is constantly changing.

Let me be clear as well, I’m not bemoaning my fate as we all have obstacles to overcome in life (although obviously some more than others) and we all have to get to know ourselves and learn to self-manage our individual and special ways. Although some do this better than others it’s never an exact science and as we and life constantly change.

Music, my writing, my art and my creative side are some of the self management techniques that work and have a positive effect. Whoever you are, if you direct your energy onto a positive path or direction then what you get back tends to be positive. But on the flipside whoever you are if you follow a negative or destructive path that only leads to a dark place. The difference is if your manic things heat up a lot quicker and can follow some very extreme tangents and consequences far beyond the norm. Even with good self-management you have to ‘wing-it’ from time to time and your mood states mean living a structured and conventional life is near impossible. I have rarely worked full time and when I have after a few months, the lack of time to manage and just chill mean something occurs and you get the sack or let go. Girlfriends love cruising on the high but a vast majority just cannot deal with the sudden change and the dark stranger who occupies part of their world. So I live alone, live a simple life and feel so much better for it and you have to accept you will struggle financially at times because you cannot always bring in a regular income. But if you value those simple things, have a roof over your head, food, your health and good friends who cares.

On the other-side of the coin there is that dark place that consumes who you are and all life around you, draining you of the last dregs of hope, faith and belief in yourself let alone the world you are part of. All expectation is replaced by regret and rejection, and if you were offered escape from this place, it is doubtful it would be recognised. All Doors and exits are indistinguishable in the darkness, the mind mourns the loss of it’s brighter foe, who is frivolous, energy filled and creative and delights in the joyride called life. No longer contented with one’s lot the mind adapts and embraces it’s darker brother, the ill-wisher, who finds no hope in the brightest of life’s dawns

I have self-managed my condition relatively successfully for over twenty years but sometimes you can get so caught up in yourself or the task/matter at hand that self perception just does not see it and this is where close friends and love ones gently step in and guide you back to the path you lost.

Be good to yourselves and the ones you love (including those people who pass briefly through your life), life is short and we are distracted in the modern world from focusing on the simple things that will bring us true peace

With love and faith

Ruben x

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